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Kipes · 02-28-2011, 03:25 PM

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags so he says "Whats wrong honey?" She says"I just found out your a pedophile" He says"Thats a pretty big word for a twelve year old."

vermhot · 02-28-2011, 03:27 PM

That's messed up dude !

jake_hag · 02-28-2011, 03:29 PM

WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE!!!!!

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

jake_hag · 02-28-2011, 03:34 PM

try this again, yup worked this time =)

coleblazin · 02-28-2011, 04:43 PM

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,

and you just need to take it out on someone,

don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on someone you don't know,

but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered

a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying

'Hello.'

I politely said,

'This is Chris.

Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear

'Get the right f***ing number!'

and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,

I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled

'You're an *******!'

and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,

and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,

when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell,

'You're an *******!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,

I thought my theraputic '*******'

calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,

'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled

'NO!'

and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,

'That's because you're an *******!'

and hung up.

One day I was at the store,

getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW

cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,

but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,

so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,

right after calling the first *******

(I had is number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too.

I said,

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,

'Yes, it is.'

I ! asked,

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,

'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .

It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,

'What's your name?'

He said,

'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,

'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,

'Yes?'

I said,

'Don, you're an *******!'

Then I hung up,

and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,

I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ******* #1.

He said,

'Hello.'

I said,

'You're an *******!'

(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,

'Are you still there?'

I said,

'Yeah!'

He screamed,

'Stop calling me,'

I said,

'Make me,'

He asked,

'Who are you?'

I said,

'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,

'*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,

a yellow ranch,

I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,

'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,'

and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.

He said,

'Hello?'

I said,

'Hello, *******,'

He yelled,

'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,

'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,

'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered,

'Well, *******, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,

saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News

about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes

beating the crap out of each other

in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter

and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

gemarsh · 02-28-2011, 05:50 PM

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went into the pigeon house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "stop Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued seeking out each farm fowl in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh, you poor thing. Look what you did. you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy." "Shhhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the buzzard's getting closer!"

Be Safe
Gayle

gemarsh · 02-28-2011, 05:52 PM

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Be Safe
Gayle

sspeckerwood · 02-28-2011, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kipes

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags so he says "Whats wrong honey?" She says"I just found out your a pedophile" He says"Thats a pretty big word for a twelve year old."

from what i've learned them 12 yr olds r pretty smart..

gemarsh · 02-28-2011, 05:58 PM

Woman in a Hot Air Ballon

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Be Safe
Gayle

sspeckerwood · 02-28-2011, 05:58 PM

02-28-2011, 03:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
Kipes Honda Red Wing Rider Join Date: May 2009 Location: Upper Peninsula of Michigan Posts: 2,581	A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags so he says "Whats wrong honey?" She says"I just found out your a pedophile" He says"Thats a pretty big word for a twelve year old." __________________ 2006 Foreman 4x4 500s Powermadd handguards 2.5 Warn winch 2" Perfex long travel lift kit High Lifter springs 26-12-12 Executioners on rear 26-10-12 Executioners on front Douglas Rattlesnake rims 3rd Headlight switch Moose Heated Handgrips and thumb warmer Garmin Legend gps Replaced the stock silver engine covers and front skid plate with 07 camo black and painted front brush guard black 2005 Rancher 350ES 2wd 2001 Polaris 325 Trailboss 2wd

02-28-2011, 03:34 PM	#14 (permalink)
jake_hag Honda Lover Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: South Dakota Posts: 337	try this again, yup worked this time =) Attached Thumbnails

02-28-2011, 04:43 PM	#15 (permalink)
coleblazin Honda Addict Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: southern indiana Posts: 183	Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an ***!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an ***!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic '***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ***!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first *** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I ! asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an ***!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called *** #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an ***!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, '***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***,' and hung up. Then I called *** #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, ***,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I answered, 'Well, *****, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work. __________________ 08' HONDA CRF230L-gone but not forgotten... 07' HONDA 500 FOREMAN es-26" MUDBITCH & Tunes' 08' HONDA CRV AWD (WIFE'S) OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK' 24' Lowe Sunbird pontoon w/90 hp Evinrude (Guarantee's bikini's!!!) RIDE RED-BLEED RED!!!!

02-28-2011, 05:58 PM	#20 (permalink)
sspeckerwood Honda Red Wing Rider Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: tooele, ut Posts: 8,730	__________________ 2012 TRX500FM FOREMAN. SSPECKERWOOD 3RD HEADLIGHT MOD QUAD BOSS REAR SEAT 26" SWAMPLITES KFI #3000 WINCH HOT GRIPS HEATED GRIPS & THUMB WARMER HONDA ALUMINUM A-ARM GUARDS 00' FOREMAN 450es HIGH LIFTER SPRINGS FRONT & REAR MAXXIS TIRES OFF A 2012 FOREMAN 500 SSPECKERWOOD 3RD HEADLIGHT MOD http://www.flickr.com/photos/sspeckerwood/ http://www.youtube.com/user/sspeckerwood Official hondaforeman.com stickers IF YOU WOULD LIKE OFFICIAL HONDAFOREMAN.COM STICKERS PM ME.

02-28-2011, 03:27 PM	#12 (permalink)
vermhot Honda Red Wing Rider Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 2,605	That's messed up dude !

02-28-2011, 03:29 PM	#13 (permalink)
jake_hag Honda Lover Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: South Dakota Posts: 337	WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE!!!!! A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

02-28-2011, 05:50 PM	#16 (permalink)
gemarsh Honda Rider Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Grand Island, NE Posts: 75	A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went into the pigeon house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "stop Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued seeking out each farm fowl in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh, you poor thing. Look what you did. you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy." "Shhhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "the buzzard's getting closer!" Be Safe Gayle

02-28-2011, 05:52 PM	#17 (permalink)
gemarsh Honda Rider Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Grand Island, NE Posts: 75	A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" Be Safe Gayle

02-28-2011, 05:58 PM	#19 (permalink)
gemarsh Honda Rider Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Grand Island, NE Posts: 75	Woman in a Hot Air Ballon A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault." Be Safe Gayle

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