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Old 05-23-2006, 05:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Got any good jokes...

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. AND it's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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Old 05-23-2006, 06:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Aaagh...HILARIOUS..He He He

I heard that the Department of Highway Safety Motor Vehicles have placed the same " Black Box " that are installed in airplanes, and placed them in all vehicles starting in the year 2000. This was done so that they may get the box, and review it to find out what was going on in all of the traffic fatalities around the United States. Here were the findings:

In 47 states, they found that the most common phrases were curse words..$hit, Oh ****, **** it..ect.. This did not help them any..

In the lower 3 states ( Alabama, Georgia, and Florida ) the most common phrases were " Hey..Hang on to my beer...Im agonna try sumthin' ".

Thus the high insurance rates in the south..
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Old 05-24-2006, 02:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!
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Old 05-24-2006, 07:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default

QUOTE ("Northwoodsdon":2iy4tl9v)
Quote:
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!


I thin kthe best part of this joke was the "except France" part....love it
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Old 05-24-2006, 08:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Married 20 Years!

Married 20 Years!



There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
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Old 05-24-2006, 08:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Iowa Taxidermist in Alabama

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' he11 you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' he11 is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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Old 05-24-2006, 11:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default WalMart Greeter

A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

The WalMart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why?

Do you think they really look alike?"

No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"
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Old 05-24-2006, 12:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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>> >
>> >
>> > On their wedding night, the young bride
>> >
>> > approached her new
>> >
>> > husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
>> >
>> > lovemaking encounter. In
>> >
>> > his highly aroused state, her husband readily
>> >
>> > agreed.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > This scenario was repeated each time they made
>> >
>> > love, for more
>> >
>> > than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
>> >
>> > cute way for her to
>> >
>> > afford new clothes and other incidentals that
>> >
>> > she needed.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Arriving home around noon one day, she was
>> >
>> > surprised to find
>> >
>> > her husband in a very drunken state.
>> >
>> > During the n ext few minutes, he explained that
>> >
>> > his employer
>> >
>> > was going through a process of corporate
>> >
>> > downsizing, and he had
>> >
>> > been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
>> >
>> > 59, he'd be able to find
>> >
>> > another position that paid anywhere near what
>> >
>> > he'd been earning, and
>> >
>> > therefore, they
>> >
>> > were financially ruined.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
>> >
>> > showed more than thirty
>> >
>> > years of steady deposits and interest totaling
>> >
>> > nearly$1 million. Then she
>> >
>> > showed him certificates of deposits issued
>> >
>> > by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
>> >
>> > and informed him that they
>> >
>> > were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > She explained that
>> >
>> > for the more than
>> >
>> > three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
>> >
>> > these holdings had multiplied
>> >
>> > and these were the
>> >
>> > results of her savings and investments.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Faced with evidence of cash and investments
>> >
>> > worth over $3
>> >
>> > million, her husband was so astounded he could
>> >
>> > barely speak, but
>> >
>> > finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
>> >
>> > I'd had any idea what you
>> >
>> > were doing, I would have given you all my
>> >
>> > business!"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > That's when she shot him.
>> >
>> >
>> >
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Old 05-24-2006, 12:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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A shy but handsome fellow was at a club and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of getting up his courage he heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Uh, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he meanders back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 an hour!"
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Old 05-24-2006, 12:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Subject: what's in a name?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba
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